I keep thinking back to that dream I had a few weeks ago. I delivered a gorgeous baby girl. Only thing is, she wasn’t a newborn. She had the look of a 1 year-old. Babies in dreams normally mean new beginnings; a change. I’m overdue for another change….something new. 

My own (real) daughter (pictured above) was a big change. Yet I worry. All the hopes and dreams I had of her, me….we…us…. seems to be fading. I’m not sure if it’s by my own doing or something else. But yanno… as they say; man plans and God laughs.

Today I want to scream, yell, pull my hair out. Go the fuck insane. I want to jump off into the deep end. But… my two babies….. My dream and my actual 4 year old daughter…. are keeping me hopeful… sane. 

I must keep my sanity. 

Fragile Illusion 
By: Mahoganie
11/16/06

When the rain came she couldn’t help but to be selfish 
in her thinking. Her strong want couldn’t be 
contained. Yet, she felt silly and a little 
disappointed in herself for being such a fool. Could 
she be wrong about him has she was about all the 
others? Everything was feeling fresh and new to her. 
As they say, When it’s at that state, you are wide 
open.

Silently she cried to herself about how she wanted 
things to be with him. But he wasn’t reaching out for 
her. His words were beginning to feel empty to her. 
No longer were they warm and comforting. They were 
nothing more than syllables put together to create 
some kind of sound or some kind of thought.

Yet as the rain fell she could feel him. He was 
there. She allowed him into the surreal spaces of her 
mind. She felt him deep and strong, which caused her 
to be on the verge of tears. She couldn’t figure out 
why she wanted someone so bad, when it was possible 
that he didn’t want her. After all, fate wasn’t 
bringing them together, but her illusions were.

She could close her eyes and picture him in the most 
tender moment. As the thunder sounded she allowed 
herself to feel his strong hold around her waist. As 
the rain thumped against the window pane at nearly 100 
rpms, she allowed her heart rate to excel too. Her 
mind caught flashes of vivid exchanges between the two 
of them. If only it were real, but it is real.

As long as the rain continues, it’s real. Her 
illusions are alive and she is able to live her lie 
peacefully.